This is going to hurt.
Oh valentines day. The day where people are forced to prove their love to their partner because the holiday says so and you look like a complete turd if you don't. It's also the day where those single folks either sulk in their own assumed lonliness or reject the holiday completely, because, well who needs love anyways.
I look at this holiday somewhat differently.
I'm a single gal. I have been for a while now, and I'm beyond ok with this. It's not that I'm against love or relationships, but I haven't found anything and I tend to be careful of my heart. What's the rush anyways? To me this holiday is not about being in a relationship or being single, it's about love.
Love is a fucked up thing. I don't beat around the bush, it is. But that's what makes it so wonderful and powerful. This emotion rips you apart and throws you around like a ragdoll. It tears your insides out and hollows you out, an empty shell of your former self. Now this all seems pretty terrible. Why would you subject yourself to such masochism? Well there's also the other half of love. The part that makes you weak and stupid. The part that makes you numb to everyone else but the person you can't quit thinking about. You're goofy, passionate, illogical and make poor decisions and more of a fool of yourself than drugs and alcohol can do to you.
Wait... That's better?!?!
Like I said, love is pretty fucked up.
Love is a messed up thing. But that's what love is. Love is the biggest challenge and biggest risk you will ever take in your life. People don't realize the danger and the leap that you are terrified to take. It's the biggest terror you will ever take. It's the most ballsy thing you will ever bring on in your life. With love, only the strong will survive. Love is something the cowards cannot handle. With love, go big or go home.
So with these challenges, why even try love? Well, why the hell not?!?!! Love is the best risk you'll ever make. And you know what? A lot of the time you're gonna fail. And you're gonna fail hard. The hardest part of love is getting back ip again and keeping the armour off and letting yourself fall on that blade again.
Love is not for the weak. Even when it's family or friends. Love is never an easy task. But I love the concept of love because it's the greatest battle I will ever fight. And I'm ready to fight it.
Bring it on love, do your best, do your worst.
-janeovision
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Quit incepting my head, Leo!!
Zzz
In the past few weeks I've been having some very bizarre dreams. Some make little sense and I remember very little, while others seem so real, I am having more and more difficulty defining dream world and reality.
Some of the more bizarre dreams include drives for dairy queen and run-ins with Charlie Sheen, a paper box lid full of blow and a disapproving Asian child. These dreams are confusing but generally it's understood that they are obviously a dream. I mean, even Charlie is classy enough to keep his cocaine in a suitcase!
But then there are the other dreams. The dreams where I move my furniture around in my room and wake up confused to why it was 'put back'. The dreams where I have fights with people about nothing and can't remember why or if it happened. The dreams where I quit my job and don't look back, but I still have to be there (in reality) in 4 hours. The dreams that I see a family member die and have to check that they're still alive. The dreams where I tell people my secrets, the deep dark ones, and when I wake up I have to test them to see if it actually happened.
Is Leonardo trying to get into my dreams, but disguised as Charlie Sheen?Each dream is becoming more and more vivid, I feel I may be losing my grip slightly. I have to collect myself and check everything to see it's reality and what I dreamt didn't actually happen. I have to tiptoe around myself to ensure I can understand reality, as not compromise myself to what I thought was reality but was really a dream.
Ugh.
I really just need a good nights sleep.
-janeovision
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
In the past few weeks I've been having some very bizarre dreams. Some make little sense and I remember very little, while others seem so real, I am having more and more difficulty defining dream world and reality.
Some of the more bizarre dreams include drives for dairy queen and run-ins with Charlie Sheen, a paper box lid full of blow and a disapproving Asian child. These dreams are confusing but generally it's understood that they are obviously a dream. I mean, even Charlie is classy enough to keep his cocaine in a suitcase!
But then there are the other dreams. The dreams where I move my furniture around in my room and wake up confused to why it was 'put back'. The dreams where I have fights with people about nothing and can't remember why or if it happened. The dreams where I quit my job and don't look back, but I still have to be there (in reality) in 4 hours. The dreams that I see a family member die and have to check that they're still alive. The dreams where I tell people my secrets, the deep dark ones, and when I wake up I have to test them to see if it actually happened.
Is Leonardo trying to get into my dreams, but disguised as Charlie Sheen?Each dream is becoming more and more vivid, I feel I may be losing my grip slightly. I have to collect myself and check everything to see it's reality and what I dreamt didn't actually happen. I have to tiptoe around myself to ensure I can understand reality, as not compromise myself to what I thought was reality but was really a dream.
Ugh.
I really just need a good nights sleep.
-janeovision
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, February 7, 2011
Yea you're my friend but...
Yea you're my friend, but...
In past month or so, there has been some personal drama stirring around. Not mine, but friends. This personal issue has been quite explosive. It has torn a friendship in two, causing a jets vs the sharks rivalry, and the local bar is the school dance. Let the angry choreography and finger snaps break out...
Through all of this, I have tried to be Switzerland; be the neutral party. Hear both sides and not try to sway one way or the other. In the recent days however, I have come to realize that this is impossible. How could I possibly be perfectly neutral? One person was able to tell their story to me first. I have had my own personal biases from the beginning, and have had a different past with all parties involved. And dammit, I am a woman with an opinion. The only way I could actually be neutral were to be if I was a) a robot, or b) Svetlana from Lithuania who couldn't understand a damn word they were saying anyways!
But I still try. I try to be kind, pleasant, and civil to everyone, try not to be rude, keep things to myself when it comes to outsiders, and overrall be mature and respectful of each party to keep things as peaceful and civil as possible.
But there have been problems that have risen through this dispute. Friends. Friends that, although they have the best intentions, seem to be taking on the dispute of the initial party and taking it on themselves, fueling the fire and stirring the pot. I'm a huge supporter of friendship and loyalty - really what is friendship without loyalty - but here comes a time when you, as the friend trying to defend the honour of your best, have to step back, wipe your hands clean and let the people in the front lines duke it out on their own.
It's like Sarah in the Labryinth (and no, I will not stop using pop culture metaphors, so get used to it). She had to face Jareth alone. Although all her friends wanted to help, it was her personal battle, and they all had to realize this for her to win.
Wait? Did she win? I mean, yea, she got her brother back, but other than that and limitless stairs and David Bowie ballads, there wasn't really a battle to be won or lost...hmm... Well. now I'm rambling...
ANYWAYS!
This is a discussion to be had between two people, no one else. A wise friend said to me the other night "it is none of my goddamned business". This was an epiphany moment for me. Yea! It IS none of my business!! Let them duke it out, converse civilly, bare knuckle brawl, whatever they have to do to finally move forward and away from all this personal stress and drama. If anything is to diffuse or settle, they have to do it, but we have to step back and shut the fuck up already.
Oh, and I am fully aware this is a "pot calling the kettle black" thing I'm doing right now. As I am writing this, I'm meddling in some way. No one knows I'm writing this. Yes, I am definitely a hypocrite for writing it, but that's why I'm ending it with this statement:
From this moment on, I am not talking about this. It is none of my goddamned business. I will always be a friend, I will always be there for you. I'm there if you need me, I'll always be there for anything. And if, for whatever reason, we can't be friends, I will always be civil and respectful of you. Other than that, I'm staying out of it and I hope that things will one day be worked out. This anger is exhausting for everyone, and I hope you both find the strength to find peace.
I'm going to shut up now.
Well, about this at least.
Friend rant ended.
-janeovision.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
In past month or so, there has been some personal drama stirring around. Not mine, but friends. This personal issue has been quite explosive. It has torn a friendship in two, causing a jets vs the sharks rivalry, and the local bar is the school dance. Let the angry choreography and finger snaps break out...
Through all of this, I have tried to be Switzerland; be the neutral party. Hear both sides and not try to sway one way or the other. In the recent days however, I have come to realize that this is impossible. How could I possibly be perfectly neutral? One person was able to tell their story to me first. I have had my own personal biases from the beginning, and have had a different past with all parties involved. And dammit, I am a woman with an opinion. The only way I could actually be neutral were to be if I was a) a robot, or b) Svetlana from Lithuania who couldn't understand a damn word they were saying anyways!
But I still try. I try to be kind, pleasant, and civil to everyone, try not to be rude, keep things to myself when it comes to outsiders, and overrall be mature and respectful of each party to keep things as peaceful and civil as possible.
But there have been problems that have risen through this dispute. Friends. Friends that, although they have the best intentions, seem to be taking on the dispute of the initial party and taking it on themselves, fueling the fire and stirring the pot. I'm a huge supporter of friendship and loyalty - really what is friendship without loyalty - but here comes a time when you, as the friend trying to defend the honour of your best, have to step back, wipe your hands clean and let the people in the front lines duke it out on their own.
It's like Sarah in the Labryinth (and no, I will not stop using pop culture metaphors, so get used to it). She had to face Jareth alone. Although all her friends wanted to help, it was her personal battle, and they all had to realize this for her to win.
Wait? Did she win? I mean, yea, she got her brother back, but other than that and limitless stairs and David Bowie ballads, there wasn't really a battle to be won or lost...hmm... Well. now I'm rambling...
ANYWAYS!
This is a discussion to be had between two people, no one else. A wise friend said to me the other night "it is none of my goddamned business". This was an epiphany moment for me. Yea! It IS none of my business!! Let them duke it out, converse civilly, bare knuckle brawl, whatever they have to do to finally move forward and away from all this personal stress and drama. If anything is to diffuse or settle, they have to do it, but we have to step back and shut the fuck up already.
Oh, and I am fully aware this is a "pot calling the kettle black" thing I'm doing right now. As I am writing this, I'm meddling in some way. No one knows I'm writing this. Yes, I am definitely a hypocrite for writing it, but that's why I'm ending it with this statement:
From this moment on, I am not talking about this. It is none of my goddamned business. I will always be a friend, I will always be there for you. I'm there if you need me, I'll always be there for anything. And if, for whatever reason, we can't be friends, I will always be civil and respectful of you. Other than that, I'm staying out of it and I hope that things will one day be worked out. This anger is exhausting for everyone, and I hope you both find the strength to find peace.
I'm going to shut up now.
Well, about this at least.
Friend rant ended.
-janeovision.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Sometimes I'm pensive. Other times I'm just really emo.
So lately I've been blogging from my phone. Keeping productive and whatnot. I use my notepad and then paste into the blog app. I learned the hard way that if someone calls you mid-post, you lose everything and the ensues.
I was looking through my notepad and found this little blurb I wrote in my phone when I first got it. I'm pretty sure I wrote this while on the bus to work (commute productivity)
Maybe I'm being pensive and deep. Maybe I was being really emo and annoying. I still haven't figured it out. But I thought I'd post it.
Why the hell not.
"Where do you go, what do you do when your running out of things to keep you where you are?
Do you search for that something, do you search for something to catch you somewhere else? Do you give up? Do you fight? When does it come to the point where you have to give up? Or do you even give up at all, because giving up is the final stage of death?"
Emo or deep? Isn't it the same thing sometimes? Whatever.
-janeovision
I was looking through my notepad and found this little blurb I wrote in my phone when I first got it. I'm pretty sure I wrote this while on the bus to work (commute productivity)
Maybe I'm being pensive and deep. Maybe I was being really emo and annoying. I still haven't figured it out. But I thought I'd post it.
Why the hell not.
"Where do you go, what do you do when your running out of things to keep you where you are?
Do you search for that something, do you search for something to catch you somewhere else? Do you give up? Do you fight? When does it come to the point where you have to give up? Or do you even give up at all, because giving up is the final stage of death?"
Emo or deep? Isn't it the same thing sometimes? Whatever.
-janeovision
2010 had music in it, apparently.
The Annual has come and LONG gone, and of course, I forgot to post my list!!
Here it is, and here's to some amazing music in 2011!
1. Lollypop Dreams - My Sick Uncle
2. The Suburbs - Arcade Fire
3. Odess - Caribou
4. Zebra - Beach House
5. X - Kidstreet
6. If you think you need some lovin -Pomplamoose
7. Beloved - April Smith and The Great Picture Show
8. From Below - Kate Maki
9. I need a dollar - Aloe Black
10. Tighten Up - The Black Keys
11. Bloodbuzz Ohio - The National
12. Dear God 2.0 - The Roots & Monster Folk
13. Four Score and Seven - Titus Andronicus
14. Blue Beard -Band of Horses
15. Carolina -Girls
16. All yr songs - Diamond Rings
17. Fuck you - Ceelo Green
Also, if someone could take out Ke$ha for me, that'd be great.
-janeovision
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