'cuz you gotta have faith.

I've been thinking about faith lately.

Not just the religious type, (I haven't been religious in years) but the faith we put in others, in ourselves, in the stranger on the bus or the cab driver taking us home.

It seems to me that many people put the stereotype of 'bible-thumpers' on the word faith. Many believe that faith automatically points toward religion, to the limitations of some of those beliefs, shutting out others and other ideas, accosting those that aren't "on your side" and nearly stifling others with you "Faith".

Now, I've gone down a few of the religious paths before settling in my comfortable world of atheism. I was raised Roman-Catholic, practiced Wiccan for 3 years, and even looked into other religions. I"ve seen the beliefs of other religions, in education, in the media and in public practice. I've even watched (and loved) Kevin Smith's Dogma, and rethought the word "Belief" and "Faith". In my 25-ish years of being surrounded by religion and faith and the love and hate and anger and etc. that has come about in my lifetime, I have realized this:

It doesn't matter what you believe. It's even okay if you don't believe at all. What matters is where your faith lies and that you have any faith at all.

And we all have faith. Somewhere.

Faith to me is trusting those around me, the people I choose to have in my life, and those that happen to pass through, will be good to me and will be there for me. I have faith that when times are tough, I have that friend that will call me or text me and send me a little bit of love, regardless how small. Faith is also knowing that sometimes they won't be there. Sometimes they can't, whether they don't see you in need, or whether they are too wrapped up in their own lives. And this is where faith in yourself comes in. When you feel alone, stuck, trapped, royally screwed, or whatever. When those times comes and it feels like you are gasping for air, knowing you can keep moving forward, because it will get better. You are strong enough to get through whatever it is that is pulling you down.

Faith even goes out to those strangers we pass every day. The girl that catches up with you because you dropped $5. Or that cab driver that finds your phone, charges it and calls your last number so you can get your phone back. Or that man that pulls you back when you're not looking and saves you from being smucked by a bus. That old lady who sees you at the bus stop asking if you're ok, be cause you 'looked sad' Those little things and big things that people do for you. They have no idea who you are. You could be a horrible person, you could be a wonderful person, but they see you as just another, and reach out to you. They take that moment out of their own life to make sure you are ok and you don't have to worry or be bummed or hurt. These people aren't every person we pass, but the ones that do are the ones that surprise you.

It's a nice surprise too.

I think this post comes from the recent teen suicides that have surfaced in the news. It reminded me of high school, dealing with bullies, being called names (including a lesbian) and having those days where you feel like you're drowning. Having faith in those around me, in myself, and in the potential of what was ahead was what kept me going some days.

Everyone has faith. Everyone has to. Otherwise, at those dark moments, we'll just get lost.

If anyone who's struggling out there is reading this, have faith. Stay strong. Whatever you have faith in, hold onto it. It's your powerhouse. It will keep you going. It gets better.


...'Cuz you gotta have faith.


-janeovision

self-indulgent rant...

Ok, the past few days have been less than great.

Still looking for an apartment.
Still looking for a job-well, scratch that, looking for a BETTER job. The one I went for was smoke and mirrors and a shit call-center in awesome sheepsclothing.

But I'm not going to dwell on that today! Today I'm going to write about some of the awesome little things in life. Cuz yknow what? Sometimes it's the little things that keep you going.

The other day I was at a friends place and he was showing me his new button-up shirt he got. I was very tempted to steal it (and I almost did!) because I realized the awesomeness of the mens shirt.

Whenever I wear one - which is relatively often - I feel so frickin' confident and sexy and overall totally amazing!! They just hang so nicely on me, with rolled up sleeves and either tucked in or hanging loose, it creates this brilliant silhouette on the body! Even if it's hanging away from your form, it somehow creates this illusion of hotness; almost the "less-is-more" idea, or as I like to think guys think, "more-is-less"; as in "the more clothes you wear and the more you cover, the less I want you to be wearing them because I want those clothes on my bedroom floor".

Don't tell me you don't think that, guys.

I've even noticed a few looks from guys today. It may be the shirt, it may be the waythe shirt makes me feel, either way, I'm liking it.

So after my few crummy days, today I wore my favourite mens shirt. And regardless of everything else, I feel pretty damn fabulous today.

... I guess I should mention a second thing, since I said "some" of the things that are awesome.

Shorts. Shorts are awesome because they aren't pants. They are like fancy underwear. Those that know me know I am not the biggest fan of pants. So I love summer simply for the shorts.

Self-indulgent rant ended.

-janeovision


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

first fringe, then bluesfest then bed.

The Ottawa Fringe Festival Has come and gone.

In a nutshell, The festival was wonderful, with new, innovative ideas and organization and adventure happening everywhere.

Myself, I didn't have the best Fringe. Not because of the fringe itself, i loved the people and meeting old friends again and awesome dance parties in the beer tent. This year, the lottery factor of the Fringe got the worst of me and I saw more bad shows than good. Well, there were only a few REALLY terrible ones (we all know what they are/were) but I found that there was nothing realy amazing or anything that really caught my attention, or moved me or spoke to me. It seemed quite repetitive and lackluster. Mind you, I did miss a lot of great shows due to work and NXNE schedules clashing, so I'm a bit one sided (and frustrated by it too!) but I guess this was not my year for Fringe.

Oh well. NEXT YEAR!!

Bluesfest is happening now, with shows such as Flaming Lips, Dana Fuchs, Woodhands, Rush, Swell Season, Arcade Fire, and Sarah Harmer flooding our streets with music. This weekend wraps up the festival, closing up with Foghat and Weezer. I'm so excited to see this show, however, at the same time, I'm really excited for Bluesfest to be over. My schedule this summer has borderline festival'd me OUT!! I'M EXHAUSTED!!!

Monday, post-pinkerton, I plan on sleeping in, drinking tea and regaining my bearings again. I'll need them, especially since I'm moving in just over a month to Toronto.

...without a job (yet).
...or an apartment (yet).
...or a roommate (yet).*

*please note my blind optimism. It's there I swear!!!

I think I'm going to catch some sleep while I can. I have another blog post in my head, but my head is feeling smooshy. Yes, smooshy. Deal with it.


-janeovision

where've you been? check your compass.

So This past weekend I ran down to Toronto for the NXNE music and film fest. June 14-18 was chock-full of artists, films and conferences with people all over the music industry.

This was, I'll have to say my first adult trip to T.dot and it was everything I thought it could have been and then it blew my mind with everything else!!! I was working with the NXNE fest as volunteer leader, selling wristbands and working as a mini info-ifficianado. I worked days the entire time, so I was not able to do any or the concerts and usually missed the films.

I did, however, see a shitload of music!

There was lots of AMAZING artists, a good handful of god-awful ones too. There were hundreds upon hundreds of shows to see, and I could obviously only see a handful:

Brant Bjork and the Bros
Mud Honey
X
Terracotta Pidgeons
Warpaint
Elliot Brood
Kidstreet
Said the Whale
K-os
Japandroids
Burning Boys
Queen Kwong
De Staat
Mini Mansions
The Soft Pack
DD/MM/YYYY
The Raveonettes
Iggy Pop
Attack in Black
Ruby Coast
Spooky Ruben
Chin Injeti

...Yes, that's just a handful.

Obviously I won't review every show. Just a bit too much for me. However, I will mention my two highlights and the definite low of the festival for me.

Terracotta Pidgeons - Oh, this show. It reminded me of Alice in Chains meets Pearl Jam, however this bastard child came out after both bands had been through rehab and found Jesus again. This show was loud and harmonized with no depth or emotion, and was grasping for air, with bandmates struggling with the beginning of middle age, but pushing out the barley legal boy to the front of the stage, just to show they were still 'hip'. Nice effort, but no luck boys. Maybe Australia has a different taste, but it's certainly not mine.

Kidstreet - This was the show that cleaned my palate post-TCP and renewed my faith in the night. This brother-sister-other guy trio brought me to my feet with the synthy-dance rhythms and quick lyrics drawing me and my heart into the festival full on. The band itself is downright adorable, with the lady vocals styling a Lisa Loeb Geek-chic-meets-hipster-cutie and sweet adolescent-like banter. I also realized that this band feeds off their audience. Having seen this band before in a very different setting with very different crowds, the better the energy of the crowd, the better energy of the band. Awesome audience=awesome show!!

Queen Kwong - This is my underdog love. They were playing pretty early on the Saturday at Yonge-Dundas Square, and the audience was minimal, but I definitely fell in love with them instantly. The lead singer has a Katy-o sound to her voice, backed up with a grungy, dirty hip sound to them. They totally serenaded me during my shift and even asked them for a presskit to see if I could get them to perform in Ottawa. THAT AWESOME.


Now I'm back in Ottawa for the 2010 Fringe Festival. No rest for the wicked. Prepare for another year of Fringe reviews. I've already started tweeting about it, feel free to follow me. I know ALL of my followers on this blog (stifle your laughter please) would love to hear whats going on with shows, and of course the beer tent!!

until the next show,

-janeovision

Today...

I feel fantastic.

Still unsure of the future, but today is a good day. I made banana bread, watched some of the world cup, and had a beer while reading "the book of awesome" on my sunny balcony.

Sometimes you need a shit day to counter the simple, awesome ones.

Here's to tomorrow.

-janeovision

When there's nothing to lose, I'm just ranting with myself... oh oh ohoh...

This is a personal rant. I feel I need to get the thoughts on to the page so that, maybe, I can make sense of the nonsense that has been buzzing around my head. Respond if you like. For a posting like this, I might not even read the responses. Hell, I might not even read what I wrote ever again!

Just need a selfish moment to get this out, done and over with. Clarity would be such a luxury at this point.


So, five years of school and 6 years of living in Ottawa. I've been able to work on shows, both in and out of school. I've been a technician, a producer, a director, casting director, an actor, a stage manager, and meat and muscle for shows in this town. For the past 6 months, however, I've been just a server. No jobs, no prospects, no real view of a future past a paycheque and a pile of meat and mayonnaise.

Needless to say, this has been a sucky 6 months.

I"ve had my fun, of course. Spent time with friends, went to many (MANY) a social event, shmoozing with the Ottawa scene, knowing everyone, yet not really knowing anyone. Some of those people are just so fake and vapid, it's like talking to paint chips. Yes, paint chips. Obviously there are those that I do care about and enjoy being around, but I'm also a big picture kind of gal: I know I won't know these people down the line. They're nice and fun and all, but they aren't a big staple in my life. If and when either of us leave the scene, it isn't going to change a whole lot.

With all this socializing and shmoozing going on, I've been watching everyone else too. I've been watching friends and peers moving forward and getting these great opportunities. I'm watching them reaching for what they want and getting it. Working, gaining experience, being offered amazing jobs. Moving towards a future!

...and I sit quietly over here.

It's not that I'm lazy. It's not that I'm too social for my own good. The problem is that, after 5 years of school and 6 years of living in Ottawa, I STILL don't know what the fuck I want to do with my life! I've been asked this question since 11th grade, since was 16 or 17: "so what are you going to do with your life? What do you want to be when you grow up?" IT'S BEEN ALMOST 10 YEARS!!! WHY CAN'T I ANSWER THIS QUESTION YET????

I'm working hard and trying to figure out what I want and I'm just so tired. I'm just absolutely exhausted by my lack of answers for people. I'm tired of people giving me that pathetic smile when I tell them I'm just serving right now. That I have no future. That there seems to be no light in my future. It rips me to shreds every time someone asks me the question that I have yet to find the answer to.

I've tried applying for jobs too. I've been sending out resumes left right and center for positions that are either right up my alley, or even just touch on the experience I have. Wanna know how to tear someone down to nothing but skin and bones? Have them apply for a shit-load of jobs. Over. And over. And over again. And get the same response, if any. This field is lions and lambs. pure and simple. They tear you apart, rip your insides out, leave you gasping, still grasping for hope. You're too qualified. not qualified enough. You didn't apply soon enough. You were up against *so many* other applicants. Or my favourite, they already have someone in mind, but still post the job as a 'formality'.

FUCK FORMALITY. QUIT FUCKING WITH ME AND GIVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE!

I'm just tired. Again. And I'm frustrated. Again.

I need a genie. Or perhaps just some glimpse into the future of what I have in store for me. I'm tired of waiting for that beam of light to go off and I finally know what I want to do. It just feels like my own mediocrity is weighing me down and burying me.


Sigh. This self wallowing is exhausting. Low week plus bad weather equals emo-Jane-o.


I think this move I have planned will be good for me. I think Ottawa, although such a home to me, is sucking me into this funk of comfort and mediocrity. And I'm so much better than that. I need this change to happen before I destroy myself. I need to find my groove and find something to pour myself into. Serving food just ain't cuttin' it any more.

Cup of tea and reflection. Start up a plan. Maybe I'll find that drive I had for all those potential future things I had 5 years ago.

But first. Cup of tea.


-janeovision

update of sorts...blog mashup, twitter style.

Once again, I have fallen off the Blogging wagon. oddly enough, while I've been procrastinating, I've been contemplating starting a new blog with specific rants focusing on one topic. However, I think I should work on managing one blog at a time. If you can't do one thing, two can't be any better.

I'll keep this short, note the things that have happened in the past month in twitter-style: 140 characters or less. I tweet far better than I blog anyways, so why not combine the two! This post will have a bit of everything, cover all my bases of the past month and ideally get me back on track with this damn thing!! Okay, here we go:

UPDATE:

Tattoo: I have one! Paper cranes and black ravens up my ribcage. Yes it hurt. A bit. I love it. No, mum, the birdcage is not crooked.

Scooter: I'm driving it now! It's awesome and was such a pain to get on the road, but $$ and stress later and I'm scootin'!

Julie Doiron and co.: Cute 4-piece band which name i forget. cute and mellow. one guy stood like an old man. In a cute way.

Plants and Animals: AMAZING CONCERT! New album rules and they put on a great show. Openers for them were lame.

London: I went for a weekend (no, the other one). Bad start, good ending. Saw family and friends, but some things never change.

Toronto: I'm the girl who cried it. But this time it sticks or I lose my mind for good. I have roommate prospects!!

Wooden Sky: Saw them at Cafe Nostalgica just in time for the encore. I'm still in love with you guys, shoe scuffs and all.

Roommate: Have a new one. Last one pulled a "Mr. Big" and moved out sneaky style. Left a note. New one has promise.

NXNE: I'm volunteering! I'm either running the retail tents or the merch/artist tent. ICOULD MEET IGGY POP!!


Okay i think that's the worst of it. One day I'll be able to do this properly. Maybe even non-twitter style.

Until then.

-janeovision