This is a personal rant. I feel I need to get the thoughts on to the page so that, maybe, I can make sense of the nonsense that has been buzzing around my head. Respond if you like. For a posting like this, I might not even read the responses. Hell, I might not even read what I wrote ever again!
Just need a selfish moment to get this out, done and over with. Clarity would be such a luxury at this point.
So, five years of school and 6 years of living in Ottawa. I've been able to work on shows, both in and out of school. I've been a technician, a producer, a director, casting director, an actor, a stage manager, and meat and muscle for shows in this town. For the past 6 months, however, I've been just a server. No jobs, no prospects, no real view of a future past a paycheque and a pile of meat and mayonnaise.
Needless to say, this has been a sucky 6 months.
I"ve had my fun, of course. Spent time with friends, went to many (MANY) a social event, shmoozing with the Ottawa scene, knowing everyone, yet not really knowing anyone. Some of those people are just so fake and vapid, it's like talking to paint chips. Yes, paint chips. Obviously there are those that I do care about and enjoy being around, but I'm also a big picture kind of gal: I know I won't know these people down the line. They're nice and fun and all, but they aren't a big staple in my life. If and when either of us leave the scene, it isn't going to change a whole lot.
With all this socializing and shmoozing going on, I've been watching everyone else too. I've been watching friends and peers moving forward and getting these great opportunities. I'm watching them reaching for what they want and getting it. Working, gaining experience, being offered amazing jobs. Moving towards a future!
...and I sit quietly over here.
It's not that I'm lazy. It's not that I'm too social for my own good. The problem is that, after 5 years of school and 6 years of living in Ottawa, I STILL don't know what the fuck I want to do with my life! I've been asked this question since 11th grade, since was 16 or 17: "so what are you going to do with your life? What do you want to be when you grow up?" IT'S BEEN ALMOST 10 YEARS!!! WHY CAN'T I ANSWER THIS QUESTION YET????
I'm working hard and trying to figure out what I want and I'm just so tired. I'm just absolutely exhausted by my lack of answers for people. I'm tired of people giving me that pathetic smile when I tell them I'm just serving right now. That I have no future. That there seems to be no light in my future. It rips me to shreds every time someone asks me the question that I have yet to find the answer to.
I've tried applying for jobs too. I've been sending out resumes left right and center for positions that are either right up my alley, or even just touch on the experience I have. Wanna know how to tear someone down to nothing but skin and bones? Have them apply for a shit-load of jobs. Over. And over. And over again. And get the same response, if any. This field is lions and lambs. pure and simple. They tear you apart, rip your insides out, leave you gasping, still grasping for hope. You're too qualified. not qualified enough. You didn't apply soon enough. You were up against *so many* other applicants. Or my favourite, they already have someone in mind, but still post the job as a 'formality'.
FUCK FORMALITY. QUIT FUCKING WITH ME AND GIVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE!
I'm just tired. Again. And I'm frustrated. Again.
I need a genie. Or perhaps just some glimpse into the future of what I have in store for me. I'm tired of waiting for that beam of light to go off and I finally know what I want to do. It just feels like my own mediocrity is weighing me down and burying me.
Sigh. This self wallowing is exhausting. Low week plus bad weather equals emo-Jane-o.
I think this move I have planned will be good for me. I think Ottawa, although such a home to me, is sucking me into this funk of comfort and mediocrity. And I'm so much better than that. I need this change to happen before I destroy myself. I need to find my groove and find something to pour myself into. Serving food just ain't cuttin' it any more.
Cup of tea and reflection. Start up a plan. Maybe I'll find that drive I had for all those potential future things I had 5 years ago.
But first. Cup of tea.
-janeovision
I've already given you my two cents today. But I am going to say it again, change is hard, don't let the people drag you down. Small changes turn into big ones, and then sometimes you just need to pull the plug and do something dramatic. No pun intended.
ReplyDeleteYou'll figure it out, and in the meantime, keep talking, keep socializing, you never know when you'll meet that person who gives you your "big break".