a TO style update

oh Toronto.
my new home.

I've been here for almost 3 monthes now. And my, what a whirlwind it has been.

Getting adjusted is a new place is a lot of work. In my case, it was nice to have a few semi-friends and acquaintances in the area so my integration wasn't nearly as stressful, but it was still a challenge to get into a flow. The job scene has been less than stellar, working at a call centre, now a chaotic fine dining restaurant. But overrall, this has been a great move.

This city is awesome! so many adventures every day, so many concerts, bars, food options! With a city this huge, it seems that every turn there's a new place to see and go to. Plus, when you live in a city like Toronto, it's amazing how many visits from friends you get. And since you don't see them on a regular basis, each time you see them is that much more amazing.

This city is definitely a lot of fun, but definitely a lot of work. I've recently got myself an internship, and hoping for a second, which is nice to help the whole 'find yourself in the big city' experiment I seem to be doing. I'm liking the challenge I've been given here, especially with how easy and comfortable Ottawa was making everything.

3 months in. Keep it coming. Bring it on.

-janeovision.

'cuz you gotta have faith.

I've been thinking about faith lately.

Not just the religious type, (I haven't been religious in years) but the faith we put in others, in ourselves, in the stranger on the bus or the cab driver taking us home.

It seems to me that many people put the stereotype of 'bible-thumpers' on the word faith. Many believe that faith automatically points toward religion, to the limitations of some of those beliefs, shutting out others and other ideas, accosting those that aren't "on your side" and nearly stifling others with you "Faith".

Now, I've gone down a few of the religious paths before settling in my comfortable world of atheism. I was raised Roman-Catholic, practiced Wiccan for 3 years, and even looked into other religions. I"ve seen the beliefs of other religions, in education, in the media and in public practice. I've even watched (and loved) Kevin Smith's Dogma, and rethought the word "Belief" and "Faith". In my 25-ish years of being surrounded by religion and faith and the love and hate and anger and etc. that has come about in my lifetime, I have realized this:

It doesn't matter what you believe. It's even okay if you don't believe at all. What matters is where your faith lies and that you have any faith at all.

And we all have faith. Somewhere.

Faith to me is trusting those around me, the people I choose to have in my life, and those that happen to pass through, will be good to me and will be there for me. I have faith that when times are tough, I have that friend that will call me or text me and send me a little bit of love, regardless how small. Faith is also knowing that sometimes they won't be there. Sometimes they can't, whether they don't see you in need, or whether they are too wrapped up in their own lives. And this is where faith in yourself comes in. When you feel alone, stuck, trapped, royally screwed, or whatever. When those times comes and it feels like you are gasping for air, knowing you can keep moving forward, because it will get better. You are strong enough to get through whatever it is that is pulling you down.

Faith even goes out to those strangers we pass every day. The girl that catches up with you because you dropped $5. Or that cab driver that finds your phone, charges it and calls your last number so you can get your phone back. Or that man that pulls you back when you're not looking and saves you from being smucked by a bus. That old lady who sees you at the bus stop asking if you're ok, be cause you 'looked sad' Those little things and big things that people do for you. They have no idea who you are. You could be a horrible person, you could be a wonderful person, but they see you as just another, and reach out to you. They take that moment out of their own life to make sure you are ok and you don't have to worry or be bummed or hurt. These people aren't every person we pass, but the ones that do are the ones that surprise you.

It's a nice surprise too.

I think this post comes from the recent teen suicides that have surfaced in the news. It reminded me of high school, dealing with bullies, being called names (including a lesbian) and having those days where you feel like you're drowning. Having faith in those around me, in myself, and in the potential of what was ahead was what kept me going some days.

Everyone has faith. Everyone has to. Otherwise, at those dark moments, we'll just get lost.

If anyone who's struggling out there is reading this, have faith. Stay strong. Whatever you have faith in, hold onto it. It's your powerhouse. It will keep you going. It gets better.


...'Cuz you gotta have faith.


-janeovision

late night upset.

A graffiti quote comes to mind:

"everything for everyone and nothing for ourselves."

Bucket of suck. goodnight.

-janeovision

stressballs and new adventures...

I put my notice in at my apartment this week.

Then I cooked. And baked.
2 kinds of banana bread.
Sherry wild rice soup.
And pork ribs.

...When I'm stressed I cook.

This means in 2 months I will be officially homeless in Ottawa. I will be packing my bags (and a really big truck) to Toronto, and starting fresh. New friends, new job, new apartment, new life. Thankfully I already have some friends there and a nice mini community so the big(ger) city won't eat me alive.

Whoa. Big city. Brave new world.

I'm really going to miss this aparmtent. I've lived here for almost 4 years. Many memories, parties, fights, dinner parties, accidents and injuries at this place. And it's just so pretty!!



And of course the people. I have so many friends here, it's going to be hard to leave them all and start all over again. And not being in school is going to be hard to make friends outside of work. IF I even get a job right away.

sigh... growing up sucks sometimes.

onwards and upwards, I suppose.

-janeovision

worst. blogger. ever.

wow i suck at this.

ok:

last exam. check.
drink in hand. check.
maturity lost. check.
work. double check.
lack of sleep. triple check.
lots of fun. check.
a bit of trouble? ...yea, check.
arts retreat. check.
official kick off to summer. check.
decisions about the future?...

yea, about that...

but i'm going home soon, visit family and friends and friends offspring (weird, i know!) hooray for escaping for a few days!

ok i'm off. i promise i'll get better at this. it's summer now, right? what else do i have to do?

-janeovision

ps. SUMMER THEME: summer of music! lots of concerts and i'm going to lear to play tat damn guitar already!

short a gypsy in my life...why can't i hear the gongs?

Today was a hard day.

Today, I had to say goodbye to my roommate, my best friend in university, my sister and my college sweetheart. (screw you d.) Today, she finished the last performance of her show, "The Death of the Good", packed up the car, and drove into the horizon.

It's crazy how fast this all happened. Just two weeks ago i was lying on her bed and we were chatting about life, love, turd mongers and the like, avoiding the impending doom of our english canada essays. We were eating ice cream, talking about the show, talking about life, and little unimportant things that even now I can't remember, but I remember that the time we had on her bed, just chatting and eating stale ice cream was so amazing because it was with her. She's been there for everything for me since second year, through the highs and lows, the essays and the drafting projects, bs profs and horrible plays, break ups and hook ups, fights and makeout sessions, and everything in between.

These past 12 monthes have been a whirlwind. This time last year, I was getting on a plane, on my way to Paris, escaping my dissolving realtionship. I had some hard monthes over the summer, living with an ex, having a potential roommate dumpe me via text (while in te middle of a fight with the ex too...guh) living by myself, and having stephie come back with her own broken heart. Together we rebuilt each other, and lived in our house of love at 2-quart. We had theme parties, dance parties, skank parties, severe injury parties, and just amazing times together. And on top of all that she was an amazing roommate who I never had a problem with (EVER!) and even the one tiff we had resulted in a huuuge payoff and more awesomeness!

And now she's gone.

Last night, we had a few people over for drinks and we went to the lochs fora final send off. We held hands and walked along parlaiment, arm in arm, hand in hand. the water was beautiful. with our own little discretion in each of our hands, we said our goodbyes together to parlaiment. We then had our ast Mellos night together and kissed each other goodnight.

I wish there was more time, I wish i could hug her and kiss her one more time, I wish I could hear her drunken giggle one more time. I know she's not gone forever, she's only across the pond, but it's not like it's a road trip away. She's no longer down the hall from me screaming at the news on her laptop or skyping people on the other side of the world. Now she's on her way to be with them, and I'm jealous. She's mine.

She'll be okay. She'll have her amazing adventures that she always has, and live the amazing life she's always wanted. And I'll be okay too. I'll go on with my life and with my own adventures too. I'll just miss the adventures we had together.




...never forget how gong we are.

-janeovison.